


Bathed In Light

by greenstickynotes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: :(, Alex doesnt know whats real anymore, Alex is Mcsuffering lmao, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, BDJAJJA, Depression, IVE PUBLISHED, M/M, Mental Health Issues, NDJAJAJAN, Post-Break Up, THIS IS MY FIRST SERIOUS FIC, and he gets rlly violent trynna FEEL, and im so sorry, and its all a blur, angst angst angst, but idk, extreme dissassociation, its like, its like that, kinda??, poor boys, sad boys, sad tho, spoiler alert i cant write angst, whICH SOUNDS SO SAD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:23:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenstickynotes/pseuds/greenstickynotes
Summary: They were supposed to be studying for finals. Supposed to, being the operative term here, books and highlighters were scattered everywhere in the small space between them. But at some point John lost his Math textbook and Alex's pen ran out of ink, but the night was quiet and John was softly humming a tune under his breathe, so Alex figured that they could both do with a little break.





	Bathed In Light

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for a competition on ig and i was happy to keep this as a page in the notes app in my phone. But idk it turned out nice so,,, have? This?

God he was beautiful.

They were camping out in John's dorm, swaddled together closely in the cocoon of blankets. They were supposed to be studying for finals. Supposed to, being the operative term here, books and highlighters were scattered everywhere in the small space between them. But at some point John lost his Math textbook and Alex's pen ran out of ink, but the night was quiet and John was softly humming a tune under his breathe, so Alex figured that they could both do with a little break.

Alex was rambling, and he knew it. It started off as a passionate rant about the new kid being an absolute dickhead in his economics class, hands flying everywhere as he recounted how the dude literally sneered, _honest to god, sneered! Who does that?_ , at Alex's essay, while John looked on amused.

But the moonlight that had filtered in through their blinds, washed the room in monochrome making the moment all the more ethereal.

Sentences trailed off, left unfinished and words fell in a jumble from Alex's lips as muscle memory, and he can only partially blame the late hour for his current lack of filter.

John sat, head tilted back, eyes closed while the moonlight cast shadows on his features, creating sharp angles and making him look like some sort of modern adonis, successfully stealing Alex's breathe away.

The grip on his worksheet tightened until his knuckles went white, and he was very nearly crumpling the paper. No, he wasn't allowed to think that anymore. Selfish, selfish selfish.

_His foot was tapping an erratic rhythm and his hands were trembling, eyes flitting anywhere, anywhere than on John's small frame in his doorway, the occasional crackle of lighting made them both look strange and foreign, as if there weren't literal decades of friendship between them. But despite that, Alex could practically see the chasm that grew separating them._

Unworthy, greedy, pathetic.

 _Everything looked wrong, and Alex was itching to be anywhere but here, but he had to do it. John was,_ God _, John was beautiful, untainted, pure. And he was just too good to be tethered to Alex. There was an underlying chaos in him, he knew this. And sometimes in the the late hours of the night, when his eyes were red and sore, and his knuckles were bleeding, he felt that surely this would overwhelm him one day, making him do something he couldn't undo, something he couldn't write his way out, where his words would fall heavy, useless in fixing the relationship between him and the only other person that mattered. It was those nights, where he sat in the wreckage of his room as the cruel numbness inside of him broke him bit by bit everyday. So he had to didn't he? He had to he had to let go, god why couldn't he just_ let him go?

Alex gazed helplessly at John's figure, even with the moonlight making him look more chiseled and angular than usual, he looked so warm and welcoming, like an angel gripping him tight from perdition.Painful longing curled like a vice around his heart. Even now, after all that Alex had done to alienate him, here he sat, cross-legged in front of Alex, body relaxed, smile trusting. He had invited Alex over to review their material together, because no matter how hard he tried he was, and always will be, weak for John Laurens.

_"I dont love you anymore," ,the words tumbled from his lips in a rush, tasting bitter at the blatant lie of it. But he has to, he has to let go, it was selfish of him to keep John to himself._

_"Since when?", John's voice heartbreakingly small and in it Alex could hear just how hurt he was, and Alex wanted more than anything the wrap his arms around him and kiss the pain away._

_Instead, he said, "Since now." and Alex barely caught a glimpse of John's sagging form before he shut the door to his dorm._

A soft snore and the sudden weight on his shoulder, broke Alex out of his reverie. The sky outside was lightening to a muted greyish blue, and John was peacefully snoring on Alex's shoulder. Sighing, Alex looked out at the window and settled his head on top of John's messy curls, and watched as the birds flitted about outside the window,chirping as they greeted the new day. He wants to love John, god he wants to love him until the end of time, but for now he doesn't dare do anything but take what he can get and enjoy these small moments of peace together. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh! Oh! The dialogue was inspired by this ( https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=w_75I7qqWBY ), and the fic Sand by Surveycorpsjean and Find Me by Frenchibi (theyre incredible i cAnt honestly every single fic they posts?? Blows me away dang i) But uh yeah im unoriginal and i cant do dialogue lmao


End file.
